Michael's Journal

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Michael's Journal

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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	2007.08.28 13.45 Is it realy better to burn out then fade away? In that vain is it just better to endlessly happy and fuck all or pick your moments and live on day to day???...I have never realy been able to make a balance as most people tend to do...A routine if you will of life...Everyday for me is new and different and most be treated as so...I dont go to bed at the same time everynight I dont eat meals at any regular time, I work out randomly, I go to the bars randomly...In VA is about the only place i have some sructure...I hand out with my friends whereever they are...Simple but yet I do tend to over kill myself trying to please everyone trying to out smoke, out laugh, out talk and yes out drink all...It's a scary level to think that friday I had 19 drinks i 3 hours and 100% sober...I take so much energy out on nothing that matters and I am hurting all the time for it...It's no ones fault I do these things...I do them to make me not think...I am busy all the time to not think about life and the endless days of our lives...It's not healthy...Depressing at times Mad at nothing at other times...I miss routines...I had them and lost it...and I just cant seam to get it back...I think it's the #1 reason I cant and dont have a girlfriend...I want a routine right away not the wining and dining and dancing and endless do and dont...Simple things Come home, eat, talk, watch tv, sex, bed...Maybe It's a little that I dont realy care about people that much as long as there is a illtion that everything is ok...Well More often then not it's not but thats something I havet to deal...With other people I understand why and the reasons that make people do the things they do...think in reality Myself and all my so called friends and loved ones will have a short life...Either by death or short self life with each other...I find it kind of wierd to say that but I think it to be true of people I know...And I dont think that realy a bad thing...As long as your happy and loved for a time then all is well...Or at least it should be...So a think a little of both is in order Burning the midnight oil and fading away...I'll havet to work on that...Sounds like fun



	2007.08.27 10.41 I propose a toast to myself control Random things.... 1.I dont realy do death well...I dont think most people do I tend to become mostly unemtional...Depending on things...I went around Arlington and Md yesterday to pay respects to some people and I guess thats my little way of doing things... 2. This next month I going to try something new...I only going to make myself happy at all times and do what I want to do when I want to do it...Dont want to come along for the ride...TOO BAD 3. Vegas baby vegas 4. Right now I have so many plases that are hurting from working out all the time...I would say a hell of alot more then 5 years ago...I guess Im geting old... 5. Anywhere in the us sucks when your trying to look at the stars...I miss Stars...Star gazing and Whiskey was like my fav thing to do in Iraq... 6. 7.5 7. Dam did not win Powerball again...another $10 Scratch ticket please



	2007.08.17 13.51 Where do we go from here I feel like ranting...Ranting about my favorite subject...WOMAN...There are so many ways I can go with this...I think I'll go with a little bit of a twist... Whats a MAN to do??? Whenever you're surrounded by other guys flirt with nearby girls...and make fun of all the guys in your group...this sets the standard of who is large and in charge...Girls love a guy who can garner respect from others and is in the lead Always be assertive, ambitious, confident, clever, underhanded, and very light hearted...Nice guys always fall in love... Never be a emotional Tampon...In other words lets tell a story...Say u like a girl and she is single...She invites you over to her place and all she talks about is this asshole she likes next door...And all you do is listen...Stop her up front and assault her about sex with you instead...Dont listen and try to give her logic...WOMAN NEVER UNDERSTAND logic... understand the basic primal reasons a woman is attracted to a man, and dont be afraid to BE a man... Nice leads to Woman thinking you as a Equel...We are not equel...Now understand that Im not saying that one is better then the other...But dont ever ever think we are the same... Be able to open yourself up to letting out your TRUE nature...Dont hide behind "Politically Correct" BS about not hurting other people's feelings, or being to aggressive...It's what you are... Well thats all the time I have... See you next time



	2007.08.13 14.40 It's the little things that make me happy Over the year I made a list of quotes that people have made about me that either made me laugh or at least made me think...They are not all true in my opinion but I still thought they where worth repeating... Joey "Mike I may be a sadistic ass but you just have a fucking deathwish and thats so much worse" Ryan"The only reason you want to blow up the world is because you dont see the good in yourself so you feel that everything is bad" Leah" This is my friend Mike he's Like One part knight in shining armor and one part the Joker from batman" Virginia "I will not be ignored Michael I know what you are" Stef" I love u but your a Pussy and no one respects a pussy" Anna " Your not on the Menu" Claude after another night of striking out in some of the worse ways possible "Your my fucking Hero man"



	2007.07.15 15.25 And look How we act so afraid to take off the masks we made Past 2 months have been depressing but what else is new...It's kind of become unsettleing...I have happy moments but then I go to bed and and all my problems are still there...I drive at night for hours and I just think...To many hours in the car to many hours to think a day...yet I always come to the same thing...This whole world is fucked up...What makes anyone or anything worth it...I think long and hard that in reality the human race ant worth it...Nice deeds dont go unpunished...Integity and Honor are nothing...Streugth and Power are pointless...It's all just bullshit...And so are people...walking piles that offer nothing to anything and realy dont deserve to live...I cant help but think that because I have a death wise I am almost sertin that I am alive...there are only a few people that are alive only because they understand that it dont matter...death is final...I used to fear death now If someone dared me I put a gun to my head and pull the trigger...I just dont care...Im alive now and I will continue to live but I dont care if it comes now or later...I dont care if anyone dies now or later...besides If i realy had my way I hit the button and Laugh as the world goes up in flames...Life is not that inportant and besides give or take a 1000 years and nature will take care of that for me...Because people suck and will never change will only be greedy, needy, whiny, user, abuser, fuck nut that we all are...Im no different...And right now I realy could care less to be



	2007.05.29 23.03 Any good Excuse to get drunk So Im drinking all thats left of my Absinth and Claude says to me... I Thought Kevin would be the one coming back from the Ukraine With a girl...Not you I realy liked her Alot...I know it's 90% bullshit but oh well I can always dream.... Welcome back heart I missed U



	2007.05.16 16.36 Im not always right just mostly Ok I guess it's time to write something normal in here...Well Normal for me anyway...My private Journal has alot of blabbing in it that even I dont understand sometimes...So I will try this to see if I can get my thought collected... I hate dreams...For me they never turn out good even if they are cool...I wake all disapointed if they are cool...It's like aaaa fuck I wise I was in that world...My dreams tend to be either Very Violent or depressing as fuck...I think mostly it hast to do with my general sinisim...I dont see a bright future or that I or anyone can make it better...Those in my dreams I either get killed, Kill, Or get dumped on over and over...I dont know if dreams have anything to do with anything and generaly I could give a fuck but it's been on my mind and I needed to get it out... Latly I have been called a asshole alot...But WHAT I do find funny about that is...I HAVE NEVER been HOTTER in WOMANS eyes...Nice=Sucker Asshole=please fuck me...I hate it when this happens... Oh well... I have Issues... Final note...2 years...Still not over it...I hate it when this happens Mood: amused



	2007.05.11 21.11 Sex will cover your black machinery Reason number 1000 to Love NJ.... Dates i have been on...bartender, Stripper, Bartender, Stripper, stripper, Bartender, Stripper.. Ok must find normal girl Wait Cute girl working at WAWA Singing along to Echo.... Me: "Dont find to many people that know and Like Echo and the Bunnymen" WAWA Girl: "I love Echo I dance to them all the time" ME: SHOOT SELF IN HEAD



	2007.03.16 03.30 Life comes and gos but the drinks just keep on coming HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh boy... I feel like writing in here today And what about??? Good news the best I have heard in awhile...IM GOING BACK BABY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Claude and I have been looking around for a deployment after we are done in NJ in Sept and found a Company going to iraq to drive trucks from NJ...I sent the 1SGT a email and he called me up yesterday...I got me a claude a slot to hitch with them...I could not be more estastic right now...I get to go back to where I belong...I dont belong here...Not that it matters anyway...I find you can enjoy life 10 times more if you realize your a walking talking dead man... Other news lets see lots of fun to be had in the next few months...Atlantic city, Keiv, and a business to Kuwait for three weeks for classes and briefings... Final note...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Mood: amused



	2006.09.04 01.28 This is the end of LJ I'm breathing the air The air I always breathe I don't have a lot I want someone to share it with me I really only want a few things They've all been taken away What does the next life bring I just want to feel O.K. I'm searching forever For someone or something I want to be high And I want someone to love me I've spent 27 years now Trying to get by Other people make it day to day I still wonder why I really only had a few thing They've all turned to tears One tried to kill me The other kept me here I'm still here Ya im posting lyrics on this my last ever post...I am quiting LJ and things like it forever...Fuck Myspace, Fuck Diaryland, Fukc LJ, it only makes people look more full of shit then they all ready are...People do suck...This shit only feeds that mentality...I have started a private journal on my home computer...This is for me...I want to make sure I learn something from this thing...But instead I learned that Livedrama seems to be 100% more inportant then anything else...Myspace is just a way for you to make yourself look better then you realy are...or to pick people up to fuck...I have no interest in people that much...And besides if I want to be around you I will fucking call or just come over...I dont trust people...I dont trust myself...I have been home for 3 weeks and everything and everyone fucking sucks...I glad to be going away...Im going to be ok...fuck your "I dont want drama" but your arrogance blinds you...All feed it one way or another...One last final time...people do not want or tell the truth ever...And when people do they hate you for it... This LJ will be erased in about a weeks time....Until we meet again...Happy fucking trails Mood: annoyed



	2006.08.16 05.48 STRANGE I dont remember being retarded I liked it over there...I hated the people I was with or at least all but 3 but it's strange I liked the open road the same rat race same bombs same area's same run down AC...The funnier part to me is the Fighting itself was not the thing that fucked me up...I was good at geting shoot everyonce in awhile geting Blow up every so often...In fact That might have been the single coolest thing I have ever seen...And I can relive it on Video over and over...NEAT SHIT DAVE...But I digrace...Anyway...It's this home thing...I just dont feel right...Everything is wrong somehow and I cant put my finger on it...AJ, Jackie, and Kevin have tried to make me feel like it's all normal...Yet I find myself looking out at how sad this world that we all live in is...No HOW SAD PEOPLE ARE...Pathtic realy...look at pop culture...We know more about who is married to who then Senators from our own fucking states...It's the bad Fashion thing that people self create(NOTE TO SELF MAKE RANT ABOUT HOW FASHION IS THE WORST EVIL EVER)...Spend money on shit we dont need because it looks good...or because A magazine says it does...What fucking shit...And all in all what makes it sadder is I want the in...I want that I dont know nothing about nothing that matters life...Easy same old shit go to work eat sleep shit...Fuck woman to much fucking effort and besides they tend to date the most utter fucking losers around (Trust me I have had plenty of GF and lots of fuck buddys so what does that say about TASTE???)...This hole fucking life is just wasted...ALl life is wasted...Simple Conflict is all I will ever truly understand...And ever be realy fucking good at... On to other News.... 1. Im not fucking stupid You dont havet to feel me out Just come out and say what you want and ask direct questions 2. I want to sell every thing that I cant carry in a mid size car 3. Houseing In NOVA sucks...What would have made it easyer is have someone I REALY can trust buy with me...But since deep down I dont trust anyone...and besides I dont get to have that life... 4. Im Going off to FT DIX. on the 31...Im looking forward to simple Bullshit again...Should be fun...But I know Im just setting myself up to get fucked again 5. It could be Raining Pussy and I would be the one Struck by dick 6. I you think you care you dont...If I look like I care it's probably me fooling myself 7. I get to go see my Brother (JOY O FUCKING JOY) 8. I saw Clerks 2 yesterday...It made me sad...not that it was not good it's just...SIGH 9. I miss all my friends (AAAA who am I kidding as if I did anything to deserve them) 10. I have drank everyday since I ahve been home and yet I can still think (I thought it killed Braincells) Happy hunting Mood: confused



	2006.07.28 21.30 THE STARS Jeff Halpern signed with the Dallas STARS....That's it Im writing the Caps off for the rest of my life



	2006.07.13 21.25 It's the little things that kill Im cracking...It's very noticeable...OOOO boy...People used to think i was just different here...Now that know im Insain...But you know whats funny...They still need me badly...I still work I still go out on the road...75% of the other dumb lame ass fucks dont...And This week I just snapped...I told everyone everything that was wrong with them and the hole fucking mess in general...I have realy pissed off a HELL of alot of people...all I did was tell the truth...But we all know how well that goes...I still dont want to go anywhere near home...But staying here is about as bad...I dont have hope that things will get better...I dont have faith in a better world...I cared alot...It's sad I feel cheated by 1 inch thick steel...



	2006.06.16 21.40 Wait hold on The more I try to stay away from LJ the more I end up writing in it...It's the only way I can talk to people...Weird right???...I hate 99% of the people here and I just dont ever have anything to talk about with them...I hate 99% of most online type talking things to inpersonal and besides no one is ever on when Im On(Exspect one person who is always on) It's That I can never realy just talk...It's one of theose things I cant stand...If lets say I was the only person left in the world I would be ok with that...But I always feel alone in a crowd of people...It's been worse since I have been away these last 3 years...I have nothing at all to show for it and nothing exspect Drama and more bullshit to pile onto my Pathtic life...Granted I know I deserve it somehow but realy it's just wearing me out...Generaly I can just tone it down...As long as Im not thinking Im ok...Well I dont have anything to do right now...In fact Me and Deford arnt allowed to do anything...The only good thing to come out of all this is Im sleeping alot again...Dont know if thats a good sigh or bad...Me thinks its bad because when I get real low I sleep...I cant help myslef but think of reasons why I am alive...If you asked me personaly I would rather have died in there...I keep on hoping for one single thought of "Gee Im glad im alive" I just refuses to come...What do I have to show for it all...I know that im only good the money and the small things I do...Otherwise What is it that I have...What is that last happy thought I will have before I go...I hate to sound redundant but It's all so fucking Pointless...Dam I sound Goth as fuck... Mood: sad



	2006.06.14 13.37 It only gets better Or so anyone says...Well We just got back to AJ after sitting at BIAP for the last three and must are happy to see us...Have not talked to Battlin yet and cant wait for them to try to make my asshole alot bigger...I have had a headache for the last three days and dont want anyone here to know...My Xbox 360 blow up after a power surge and now I officaly dont have anything to...No sleep, no putter, No Xbox and Almost no cloths..."well arnt you happy to be alive guys" Me and Deford both reply "No easyer to just have burned to death makes life easy" Oh well... PS thanks for all that wrote to me...I know Im a wanker and all but thank you anyway



	2006.06.11 02.13 RIP 308 Deford and I did it...Finaaly after 10 months One of our trucks is still as of this moment Burning on the Road...We hit a presure Plate IED and it lifted the hole truck off the ground and Was instenly on fire...I looked Diesal in the eye to make sure he was alive and awake and said get out of the truck...I got out within 1 second diesal took like maybe 3 seconds longer because he got hung up on the stering wheel..He got out I said get away the ammo might Cook off..Well it did right after we both ran in different dircetions...God I cant stop laughing...I was only caring about Deford once I saw that he was ok "A minor burn on his hand and a little hair off the top"...We both cant stop laughing because we always knew that we would burn a truck to the ground...Both of us are not as we saty Glad to be alive...It's still more of a sick joke all our stuff including My laptop all my games and about 15 movies are burned to ashes inside the truck...I cant wake to see that baby tommorow...Kiss it goodbye...RIP 308 Mood: ecstatic



	2006.06.07 00.01 The state of Music PART 2 Why do we even bother...I mean what it is about when you hit 25 or so anything New I MEAN ANYTHING becomes so shity...Listen to anyone talk about there generations music and they all say the same things...I am deployed with a wide virity of people and ages and the funnist thing is when anyone starts to talk about music...Country, rap, Hip hop, Jazz, rock, Hard rock, Soft rock, Disco, Industrial, Pop, EXT EXT are all argued like the only good stuff happened years ago...I here people talk about groups that where around in 2001 like they have been dead for years...Looking at my own music I find that I only listen to bands that either over a decade old or songs that where writen when i was in Diapers...yet I have long lasting memoires of these things...Like I was there Man...I was the only one to see how great that peiroid was...I talk about Echo like I was always into it...I talk about how the Clash where the real face of Punk...Realy where was I when these things happened...Did I listen to then or understand them???...I now understand it all but thats after listening to it over and over...Do I give new music that chance to understand it...HELL NO...Fuckum...I just dont have the ear to try and find the lastest great band...or that band that makes a comeback (MODE Im talking about you that Album sucked...More on that in a moment)....So after I got that album I desided to try something new, something old, something I love, and a forgottem FAV...Here are the Mike D. Music Reveiws.... 1. IRIS - Wraith (Band I Love) Maybe it's my mood (NO wait it is my mood) but this album iris grows up and becomes the angry bitter former nice guy that can only come from there lryics...The album is Just bitter...I has its Iris happy love songs here and there mixed well with tails of pain and bad desitions...the Music also refecs that bitterness...It's less Popy and alot faster...The High lights are by far APPETITE and HELLS COMING WITH ME...If you dont like Iris because they are to Snythpop happy for you, try this one... 4 out of 5 stars 2. Lacuna Coil - Karmacode (something New) Well I know this band has like 3 albums before I finally got one...IT's new for me and I have olny heard like two songs they did before this...Sue me...Anyway...This band to me is what Evanescence should have sounded like...I have no Idea why Evanescence makes it big but a band like this is still unknow??? It's good A liitle heavy and Little Metal Mixed well with good back and forth Vocals by the Female lead and the male singer lead...There not love songs by far and thats thankful because that would realy cheapen it...Now that being said...i am sad to say over all that Metal is dead...Musicly they sound like what (INSERT 80's metal band here) and there is no difference...The vocals are what set it apart...Thats it's saving grace... 2.5 out of 5 3. Depeche Mode - Playing the Angel (I found this in the BX for $9.99 should have told me something) Where is one song of this album that Is a instant classic???...all these songs sound like bsides of great Mode records...And to say that others have stole there sound and done more with it is a understatement...This is just chessy over all and Personaly I feel it's because Gore stoped writing most of there stuff...Mode get back on the Herion STAT...SAVE what we remember of you... .5 out of 5 4. RammStein - Rosenrot (A Old good band ya like 98 was so long ago Mike Yikes) This one reminds me why I dont listen to Industrial as much anymore...%40 noise mixed with pounding Power cords insert anacy statement repeat...Now thats not all but insert any Skinny puppy record out and thats what you get...This Album I did like but can I say it's ground breaking stuff that future Industrial bands will finaly get it and change just a little...Look I love bands Like Ministy and KMFDM but in all honesty since lets say 95 have they sounded any Different? at all?...But does that make albums like this bad...No because We liked it then and I guess we will like it now... 3 out of 5 stars Queensrÿche - Operation- Mindcrime II (A forgotten FAV) OHHHHHHH how I wanted to love this so bad...Side note before I start Mindcrime 1 was made in 1988 and was a story ablum...Now there have not been many story albums out over the years and I felt that this one was much better the most...I go as far to say that Mindcrime was second to THE WALL...Its been about 20 years since mindcrime...This is geting back to the tail of Drugs killing and lost love...But sad thing happened along the way...Queensryche disapeared...After Empire in 91 who still rembers them...So I got an Idea lets make another MKindcrime so people will buy it remmebering how great the first one was...I was tricked...TRICKED I TELL YOU...This album does not even sound like a Queensrÿche album exsept Jeff singing you cant even tell it's them...Everything is speed up fast to get as much Lyrics out in as sort a time as possible...it's trying to tell a more complext story of revenge after geting fucked over 20 years ago...But Unlike the first one there are no stand alone songs...In fact you havet to have heard the first one even to get this one at all...I wanted to like this I realy did but this feels like a cheap way to get back in people minds...Sorry you peek then you fall it is the way of most bands face it... 1.5 out of 5 Mood: busy



	2006.05.31 00.24 Love and Hate what a Beautiful combination "THEREs HELL TO PAY, and its coming with me, you learn the hard way, Ant gonna be pretty" Got Ryan box and I thank Kevin and ryan both for the uplifting package of goodys...I have listened to the New Iris alot...Im still very angry about and I almost refused to listen to it...Next post will be on my state of Music address Part two...In other news...No news because I realy am just too fucking angry to care about anything right now...Including myself...Im down to 195 pounds because I stoped eating and sleeping...No need for that got better things to do...Driving, Hate, Depression, Work, Bitterness, Road rage...these are a few of my only things...My only thoughts are what am I doing Here and no I dont want to come anywhere near home...Oh well Mood: crappy



	2006.04.05 21.55 High school games I sleep outside at the trucks alot to avoid people and get some sleep (the little that I do) First Platoon was leaving the Fab and started throwing Rocks at my Tent Cot for about a hour then When I would not get out (Again I was tried and sleepy) They picked it up and stated to throw it around with me in it...They droped me on my head about three times and I have such a fucking headache from it...Alao I was being Called By my Truck handle (it's FLAMER By the way) and when that still did not get a rise out of me they started calling me Faggot and Queer Bait...After I still would not give them the time of day they straped me inside my cot and left to go out...Deford came over and let me out And I was just so fucking mad...Now I leave to go out on the road for 10 hours and I have not slept and am just fucking depressed and Angry over such little things...What am I in High school???...What Nightmare world am I living in???...I hate this...I fucking HATE THIS.... Mood: pissed off



	2006.04.01 03.01 Selfish I talk about meself way to much...I am arrogant...I dont listen...I am in fact a terrible person...What else is there to say...I know this...I guess I do love my pain...I talk about it enuff...I focus on it to much...I act like I care but I guess I dont...I dont care about nothing...I beleive in Nothing...I dont understand why people bother...What do you see...What is it I do...Am I paying you to be My friend...Is it because I do little things to make your life easier...I thought I was doing things out of love...I dont know...Why do I desever it...I dont think I do...I know better...The only thing I can think of is I wanted to be better then what I am...Being a monster knowing it loving it...Is that why I cant hold onto nothing...I am to into myself...WTF is wrong...I am so fucking confused 99% of the time... (Dont you understand I am the Villian in this story...I dont like me much...) JTHM Your all better then Me and I know it... Mood: depressed



	2006.03.31 23.34 Life is just a memory I am real tried of writing in here...I only do it to kind of keep people alittle up to date...Im still sitting doing nothing...Im still fucked...I still am still, Sad, pissed, depressed, and full of thought... I was thinking about what all keep on telling me...Get over it...Well let me clear some things up...First I never got over Carey...Let me put it another way...I got over the deep love for her...I forgave her for all the bullshit...But I was still deeply Scared by it...See Suzi will always be the same way...I will someday stop being so bitter...But I will always be Scared by it...Unrepairable as it will...I wear my emtions on my sleeve alot...People will never see how much shit affects me...Because I put up a face...Super Ego if U will...I give and give...It's what I do...Because I want people to be happy...i fuck myself over for people ALL the time...But I seem to do it because I think it hast to do with love...See thats why I get pissed over small shit...Because I only ask for small shit...LITTLE things...Is that so hard...WELL I see that it is...Emotional RAPE some one called it...Because I exspect it...I get Guilt tripped into giving Money away...But if I do it I am a peice of shit...Double standard Bullshit I get all the time...It's the story of my life...I am a doormate and all have at one point or another took turns SLAMMING THE DOOR ON MY HEAD OVER AND OVER...Sadder part I do it to myself more then others do it to me...I can deal with it once in awhile...But I feel I am being used and Lied to over and over...Being with these people here does not help...If there is anything I have learned about Armed forces people (Andmost people in General) is that they lack Integrity...they Dont do anything they say or look to fuck you over if given the oppertunity...Oh well fuck it...No one cares anyway...No one wants to hear it and Im just talking to myself...I will stop it...Someday...Because i know its selfdesructive...I know it hurts me...I KNOW i am to hard on myself and others...I KNOW IT...AND I CANT TURN IT OFF...It goes around and around in my head till I only think of Negative shit...I am not wired right...Someone asked me why I even tell people this...Because when it is all over I want them to understand...Understand Why...Understand How I work...I how I Truly think...So that in the end there will be no misunderstanding...



	2006.03.31 03.55 Telling yourself that your Life Is not Empty I spent about 3 hours talking to Ana and Suzi online today...And I must have cryed for the almost half of it...I exspect to much out of people...I should exspect less and ask for less...Because Im wrong for caring about a fucking CD...I cant talk to anyone about what I think...I sound like a broken record and I have found that no one will bother anyway...Or they just say "GET OVER IT" "Stop overreacting" "Pick your Battle" " Stop being a Sucker" as if those things come so easily...Suzi Says Pain Is all I know so I Love it...I SO FUCKING WISE IT WHERE THAT SIMPLE...Just stop giving into you pain...Stop focusing on it...People act as if it's a fucking CHOICE with me....Turn off the Pain switch...Not focusing on your past...Stop Caring SO FUCKING MUCH...FUCK YOU.................................FUCK YOU................................FUCK IT...You dont understand and trust me you DONT FUCKING CARE...It's to inconvenient for you....................................I dont know why I am writing in here.................but Mike writing it down will make you Feel better...................YA RIGHT IM A BIG RAY OF SUNSHINE NOW...Just give it time Mike Time heals all wounds...Tell Carey that...Focus on you Mike...Ya as if being a self centered Prick will fix all problems...On second thought It seems to work for 99% of people... Trust me...Suspect oh so very suspect...We all love you Mike and only want the best...What did I ever do to deserve that???... So lets see what else is wrong with me...It's 4 am here and I havet to wake up in 2 hours...Looks alike another Sleepless night...Like I sleep anyway...I HATE THINKING ABOUT HER EVERY FUCKING DAY...I only have 20 or so hours to do it everyday...Still think I should not be locked away??? That list is growing smaller by the day....



	2006.03.28 20.47 Say something anything just dont talk about that Another day...I hate repeat myself...So I wont... I have been working on outlines for the three movie Ideas that I have got going around in my head...I hope I can rember how to realy...I got a basic plot outline and charators all set up...Sad part is I think I morphing other ideas... I was working on a satire based on what I have seen overhere the sad part is after watching Jarhead the other day I find it alittle like it...Grated I plan on it being more a Satire of this fucking mess but still if feels like more of the same...It's one of the main Reasons I want to live with Joey...I feel that maybe in both our fucked little heads we can do something that might make be good...It's a hope at least...And trust me I am in short supply in that... Other news... Debbi I will call you sometime this week...I just want to talk to see how you are and maybe be the only person that can give you some real advise about what to exspect on this crazy shit...I still have you cell number... I am bored and I hate thinking...that leads me to do weird things...So I can up with a test for someone... We shall see... I may have to stay in indian for awhile when I get back...More on that later Jsun and Kevin rock that house...And fuckers Send me some off your goddam music so I can promote it here...I have alot of guys listening to alot good stuff and would love to turn them on to you... If I could take back all the woman I have ever slept with I would be left with one...And No I am not telling who or why...Not that Im being Cryptic I just dont wanted to write that thought down for my own memory... Mood: indescribable



	2006.03.26 00.13 Hold me up cuz Im fading Meaningless...That's about sums up it all...I hate not being busy...When Im not doing anything I think...I hate thinking...I hate geting Depressed...I hate being pissed off at the world when there is realy nothing I can do about it anyway...things that are on my mind 1. I hate how much army people cheat on there others...I would say that out of 50 Married army guys 1 is not cheating...Most have a wife at home a armed forces girl over here...The funny part is that if a single guy wants to date a girl he would havet to fight off the married ones to...Funny NO??? 2. I resently had myself a fling...Just a night thing and it was so meaningless for me...I dont even know why I did it...She was pretty and all it was just so pointless 3. Is it so hard to ask anyone to do as they say??? 4. Is it also so hard for people to write me every once in awhile...The only time someone sends me a email is when I do... 5. I wise to god I never gave a dime to people that just could not give a flying fuck 6. I still dont know what will happen with me when I get home...I hate long term planing it always Fails... 7. I here Nations is going bye bye...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...Not that I hated it I was just over that hole meat feast thing I think awhile ago...The only reason i ever went was to talk to friends and drink...Well I guess I dont need to either one now...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 8. I have Trust issue's going on right now...I guess it goes back to if you dont trust yourself then how can you trust others??? I dont like writing in here I say the same lame ass shit over and over...I dont want to cause drama so I dont write the deep thoughts in my mind...I dont want people to worry...Let me just say this...Nothing has changed...Time does not heal wounds...I still carry scares from over 14 years ago...So my mood is always the same...It's the reason I dont talk to people on the phone or talk to some people...I dont want To get them upset...otherwise I hope you have Fun In Texas Debbi... Im glad you get to meet your Fav band Kylie...I know that will make you happy... End of line Mood: weird



	2006.02.20 19.59 Where do we go from here I must say Im over it all I think...I just dont care...I pave the way with good intention and they go to shit...I spend years trying to help someone not kill themselves and in the end I Hurt them because I was weak...I pay over and over again for anything I do...I lied to Suzi...I did it because I never wanted to face that truth that Maybe I was a monster...I writed all my wrongs...I fixed all my demons...I was ok...Now Im a mess...Now I have panic attacks...Im depressed...I want nothing more in the world to do then Die...It's the plan truth of the matter that now matter what I do good it's never enough...It will never be good enough...Not with work, not with people...I am A fuck up and a waste...So I will retreat soon...I feel if I can cut of suzi then I can cut of everyone else...Trust me Im not worth it and it has been PROVEN to me over and over...Because I am a monster...I am not a good person...I do nice things to make up for the fact I hate myself...Kevin, AJ, Ryan, Suzi, Kylie, Jason, Jess, Nick, Nick, Young, Jackie, and Ana, and anyone that I have ever loved...Im sorry but I must be going....Sorry that U wasted your time...I will live but I will just be... Mood: crushed

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